“Be
subtle, don’t over-share” is what a lot of people tell me when we brush past the
topic of “Menstruation” and everything around it.
However,
Ladyhood IS all about sharing, and more often than not, “Over Sharing”. I mean,
is there a subtle way of describing what it feels like when there’s blood
oozing out of your vagina pretty much the entire day for a week every month? It’s
uncomfortable, messy and painful. My hormones are out of Whack for a whole week
before I actually get my periods. Which means anything and everything becomes
desirable. Suddenly the world becomes irresistible.
I
think not.
Now
that I have broken the ice and weeded out the weak-stomached, let’s talk some
serious business. Every time I am on my periods, I feel I turn into a “Caffeinated-Over
Slept-Hungry Zombie”. Because those are precisely the only things I think of –
Coffee, my bed and blanket, food and chocolates!
But
the good news is - I know I am not alone in this struggle.
So
here are 34 thoughts I get, during those 5-7 days of what feels like, “Pure Hell”.
1.
“Damn. It.”
2.
“I feel so gross… I
am never leaving my house!”
3.
“I think I am
dying.”
4.
“May be I AM Dead.”
5.
“I will try a new
brand of pads the next time.”
6.
“Why aren’t Pads/
Tampons free anyway? It’s not like I asked for periods!”
7.
“Did I Flush? Oh no…
wait, let me flush again!”
8.
“Didn’t I JUST get
my periods a few days back? Or was it last month?
9.
“Happy Hunger Games”
Bhaiya ek Vada Pav, Bhel
Puri, Maggie aur Frankie dena! (I haven’t eaten in a lifetime.)
10.
“Am I fat?.. No.
Maybe it’s just Water weight.”
11.
“The cramps are so
bad today! Almost feels like someone chopped my uterus into tiny tiny tiny tiny
pieces and then put them back together ALL WRONG!”
12.
“Ouchh”
13.
“Why do bad things
happen to good people?”
14.
“I could easily
pass for a 5month pregnant lady. Look at my bloated tummy!”
15.
“I should probably
look at my crush’s Instagram. And by “Probably”, I mean “Definitely”.”
16.
“No seriously, Am I
Pregnant?”
17.
“When did I last
change my pad?”
18.
“I need a hot water
bag & a bucket of chicken nuggets”
19.
“I think I am going
to cry”
20.
……………………………….
***And the Tears roll down***
21.
“Oh no. My thighs
are freezing.”
22.
“What if my ovaries
are actually exploding? Should I get a sonography done – Just to be
sure?”
23.
“I am seriously
going to kill someone”
24.
“If I sneeze, will
the tampon fly off? That would be so cool, no?”
25.
“Shittt, I shouldn’t
have sneezed!”
It feels like a whole
litre of blood just gushed out of your Vagina, and it hurts, depending on
how
hard the sneeze was.
26. “My body demands
chocolate – Lotte Choco Pie, to be Precise.”
27.
“My Kids better be
cute after all this.”
28.
“The pimple on my
chin has a pimple! – Buy a hundred face masks from the nearest drug store – and
hope nothing requires you to leave the house ever again”
29.
“Why is everyone breathing so loudly?”
30.
“Hmm… is something wrong with my blood? That’s
a new shade of red, I have never seen before.”
We call this “Menstrual
Rainbow” – Often our uterus surprises us with a new shade of red that’s not
even close to being in the same palette as red. Believe me – I am not exaggerating.
31.
“My stomach is
making sounds I have never heard before – I AM IMPRESSED.”
32.
“Ok, at least I am
not Pregnant” – So much for small victories.
33.
“No Wait. Can one
be pregnant during periods?”
34.
“Life is
complicated”
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