2020: Officially the shittiest year, some realizations and more

30 minutes before I started typing this document, I heard the most terrible-devastating and shocking news that the multi-talented Bollywood actor #SushantSinghRajput committed suicide by hanging in his Bandra flat.

I mean… What’s up with you 2020? Why are you being such a bitch!

I don’t even know what I am feeling right now. Do you know what numbness feels like? It’s like… I know my heart is beating, I can feel the blood rush to my cheeks, I know I am blinking but I don’t know whether it is hot or humid outside? I don’t know whether the chair I am sitting on, is comfortable or not. I just know I am sitting. Breathing. And seeing.

The world seems to go on though. Birds are still chirping. Wind is still blowing. It hasn’t suddenly turned orange outside! No matter how heart breaking a news – it is still not earth shattering.

We have barely even reached 15^th of June, and all I remember of 2020 is sitting at home, in my pajamas, and listening to one shitty news after the other. Followed by feeling half rattled half numb, and then waiting for another fucking shitty news!

While I have been trying my best to keep myself gainfully engaged – with a 9 to 5 job, a couple of freelance projects, a 9 month old hyperactive baby, a duplex house that requires shit load of cleaning, painting, reading, cooking and writing – this year has made me realize a few things.

1.        If you have a house to live in, food on your plate and clothes to cover yourself – you are doing just fine!

With the plights of migrat workers making it to front page of every single daily, i have shuddered having read every one of them.

I have the luxury of eating minimum 3 meals daily. Not a single day we had to compromise on food. In fact, we ended up experimenting and making a variety of food items. I have a wardrobe full of dresses. You name it and I have it. I might only be wearing pajamas and tee, but I know I have A LOT to fall back on. I live in the security of my house. I know I can lock the doors and close the windows – and I am good to go.

And I am not only surviving – I am also indulging! Ordered food from Swiggy more than a couple of times. Savoured mangoes. Just Imagine!

I have all the reasons to be grateful for. If you too agree with me on this – let’s just not complain about our wifi not working and the fact that you have no occasion to flaunt the pretty black dress! Everything else qualifies as “First world Problems”.

2.       Agar Locust ka time aa sakta hai – Apna time bhi aega!

Until a month back, no one – literally no one gave a rat’s ass to locust! And one morning I got up with a handful of locusts buzzing outside my washroom’s vent. When I started reading about the latest updates – there it was! A glimpse of LOCUST OUTBREAK!

Agar Locust ka time aa sakta hai, then Apna time bhi aaega.

If you give up, you will never know if success was round the corner or not. I am just going to do what I need to do – I know the day is not far when I will be known, for a good reason I hope.

One day at a time. One day at a time. One more day.

3.       I am scared of being angry with people.

I wonder what the last few thoughts must have been of people who commit suicide. Or those who are experiencing a heart attack (Like its paining and they are on the way to medical treatment – not dead yet)?

Would they have wanted to say sorry some people? Would they have wanted to say I love you to someone? Would they have wanted to hug a loved one – for one last time? Would they have wanted to look long enough in the eyes of their secret admirer? What would they be thinking?

May be I will never know or even if I do, would be too late to tell you guys. But I don’t want to wake up to a heavy sinking regret… that “Kaash keh dia hota”.

These days I am legit scared of checking my phone every morning, wondering “Aaj kiska number hai”. Yes some people have been nothing less than a jack-ass with me. And I am not okay with how they treated me or our relationship. And I did hold some hard feelings until now... which I have begun to question. Is it worth being angry, and waking up to know they are no more alive? Would I have wanted it this way?

I don’t know man. I don’t know. I am not so sure now.

All I do know – is that nothing is worth killing yourself! It does no good. If you ever feel the dilemma of wanting to live or die or if want to unload yourself – just know that I am here.

I would rather listen to you talk about your problem and vent as much as you wish… rather than attending your funeral.

-

Shrishti