LOGISTICS INVOLVED IN GETTING OUT OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP #1

People talk about getting out of toxic relationships like it’s a cake walk. As if I can wake up one fine morning, exfoliate my skin, pick up a nice dress, pack my clothes, finish my breakfast, switch off the lights before leaving, ensure I have turned off the gas and taps and then walk out & never come back! This suggestion comes easy, but no-one really talks about the “Logistics involved, in getting out a toxic relationships”. You know what I mean, right?

Whether it is your spouse or parents or partner (in any and every capacity) – walking out of TOXIC relationships is not an easy job. If anything, it is deeply hurtful, traumatizing, difficult and confusing – to say the least. You will find yourself double guessing at every stage possible and might also be tempted to continue staying in that relationship (because who are we kidding, known monsters are better than unknown monsters, right?).

When I decided it was time to end one of my longest relationship, and that I did not feel nourished, respected and safe – No one (literally, no one) even advised me, that leaving was an option for the longest time. Our society has brought up men and women with the idea that, “Women are supposed to be the asylum for troubled men and are somehow responsible for correcting their behavior”. Women are conditioned to feel responsible, Men are conditioned to feel entitled. May be not 100% of the times, but ever since I started talking to my near and dear ones, my friends and acquaintances about my situation and the stand I took thereafter – I realized domestic violence is soooooooooooo common. It’s like, every 3^rd person I spoke to either tolerates some of this in their personal life or knows someone close enough who is going through it all.

The stats stunned me. And I write this down today, because there was no one to tell me about “how” to get out of such a relationship. I figured most of this out myself. It took time and a lot got invested. But I came out of it eventually and I am independent, happy now. If any point from this series helps even a single soul out there, my job here is done. These are all things I wish someone had told me early on.

Anyone who is going through such a turmoil, know that I hear you… I understand EXACTLY what your mental state must be… and I know it’s not easy. But trust me when I say this: The other side of an unhealthy relationship, is FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!!!!

1.       Know your Laws

 

Indian Laws are wholesome and have specific protection(s) for men, women and other genders. I am going to spell out for women particularly, because that’s the first-hand experience I have, and can vouch for: Indian Laws are highly inclined towards protection and empowerment of women.

We have laws for practically every situation possible. Right from physical stalking, cyber stalking, bullying, rape, domestic violence, being touched without consent in public or private space, marital rape, sexual harassment at work (with a detailed list of all acts that count as sexual harassment), mental and emotional harassment by immediate family/ in-laws, anti-dowry, trafficking, indecent representation and so much more.

If knowing your laws is not feasible, then it’s best to have a trusted friend who is a lawyer. They can always fill you up with the relevant info at times of need.  I cannot emphasize this enough, but YOU GOTTA KNOW YOUR RIGHTS FRIEND. PERIOD.

 

2.       What you tolerate, is what you encourage

 

As brutal (or not) this statement may sound, but it’s the truth: What you tolerate is what you encourage.

 

If I go back to routine and normalcy after being verbally abused – I am indirectly saying that its ok for me to be verbally abused.

If I go back to routine and normalcy after being slapped left, right and center – I am indirectly saying that its ok for me to be slapped.

If I go back to routine and normalcy after being humiliated – am indirectly saying its ok for me to be humiliated.

 

If you have not done anything to “explicitly” say that you are not ok with a certain behavior; then you are directly implying that all of that is acceptable. And that you will be tolerating the same in foreseeable future.

 

My experiences have taught me that it doesn’t matter if the abuser is my husband or my father, my uncle or my mother – being verbally abused, cussed, humiliated, being beaten or blackmail is NOT OK.

 

Hence, it is important to clear about what you stand for. But it is even more important to be crystal clear about what you DO NOT stand for: because what you tolerate is what you encourage.

 

3.      Back-Up Back-Up Back-Up

 

When we are in a toxic relationship, obviously: the power dynamics are skewed. The abuser has an upper hand and knows by now, all the means by which the victim can be made to feel helpless and tied down.

One of their favorite ways of making the victim feel helpless, is taking away all their important documents, items (jewelry) and savings. This is where I want to make the point, “CREATE BACK UP AT MULTIPLE LOCATIONS OF ALL YOUR IMPORTANT STUFF”.  

IMPRTANT STUFF could be your Bank statements, passbook, Cards, Jewelry, ID Proofs, House documents, Savings, Certificates, Phone recordings, Chats, images, screenshots and whatever on earth you consider important/ critical.

If its cloud backup, then at least in 2 separate folders/ drives. If it’s a physical place, then with people you trust. If there’s no one who fits the bill, then go open a bank locker and put all your stuff there. But when you are inclined towards getting out of a toxic relationship – and expect intense drama at any point in closed quarters, then its best to safe guard all things mentioned above BEFORE you open your mouth.

Trust me, you don’t want your important papers down the drain, because getting all these re-issued is a freakking task. We all know how the government department functions, and adjectives like “Fast” & “efficient” is not something I would use.

 

For now, sleep over these pointers. Think and re-think.

Know exactly what you want; from this life, from this relationship.

And then jump right in.

Will share more to these in the coming week.

Till then, stay safe and do what makes you happy.

 

 

I know you got this :)

Shrishti